Had a Sudden Breakup?
A breakup is usually very clear well before it happens. It's the most diplomatic way to end a relationship and is usually done because of unmet needs in the relationship that weren't able to be resolved over a long period of time. Whilst both people may grieve, both parties at least have a basic understanding as to why this has happened. This is not the case with a sudden breakup.
Why a sudden breakup hurts:
A sudden breakup is what I call a betrayal of expectations. An example, can include seeing someone for no longer than, say, three weeks, a month, 12 months could be longer. And within that time, you've gotten to know your partner quite well. You might have met their friends, they've taken you out, they've given you candlelit dinners, they've really given you a taste of their world. They're funny. So funny, you've never met someone as funny as this in your life, their charming. They're also really intelligent, and you're taken back by what they've done and achieved. They've given you something that you've never had before in your life, and you really feel like this is heading in the right direction.
And then, all of a sudden, they confront you and say,
"you know, I'm just so busy at the moment"
"I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship,"
"I just don't see myself in a relationship"
"if it wasn't this, that or the other, maybe I'd be in a relationship."
"I just don't think I love you anymore."
And what you're being told is completely illogical to you. You've been with your partner, and though you may not have been officially in a relationship, you were made to feel as though you were, and now you've been dropped back into a single life without a satisfactory reason. And you're likely thinking, "What did I do?" Emotionally speaking, you've gone from Mount Everest and now you've been taken to the bottom of the Mariana trenches.
To anyone who's never gone through this experience I want to make this painfully clear: The feeling of being suddenly dumped is tremendous. People do not get over this anytime quickly, There is no guaranteed: if you half the time that you were in the relationship, you'll get better. No, this hurts because you've had your expectations betrayed. You're doubting yourself being like, "what did I do? What did I do that caused this? Maybe if I'd done this that said that and been more present in the relationship, maybe he'd still be with me". I'm afraid to tell you that this is actually one of those unfortunate cases of illogical behavior, where, unfortunately, your partner could not keep up with themselves.
What did you do to make them leave:
This is short and easy - you did nothing wrong. You showed up, you were honest, you are authentic, and you did your thing. And unbeknownst to you, you may not have even been thinking, when you first set out, that this would go in the direction of a relationship, let alone, falling in love with this person, but it happened. And the horrible thing is that we criticize ourselves so much wondering what more we could have done.
Why they left you:
The unfortunate truth is that your partner had set themselves up for failure. To explain, I liken this to someone who wants to lose weight; they set themselves a goal and they push the goal a little too hard and too high, wanting to lose 10kg within 1 month. And they overwhelm themselves, make a bunch of excuses and say, "Oh, I can't do this. It's too hard," and they back out. Mentally, your partner is the weight watcher who gave up a month in. They believe that they can't do it for whatever reason it may be. It's self sabotage at its absolute finest. This is not a case where your partner didn't love you, they know that you're amazing. The reality is that:
they're terrified of being broken up with you
they don't feel good enough to be with you
they expected you to make them feel better about themselves
I believe this is inevitable because of their low self-esteem. To explain, usually this individual has an inner critic in their mind telling them that: they are not good enough, that they don't deserve to be in a relationship. As a result, the whole relationship implodes, and then they decide to blow up the bridge quite abruptly. Your partner doesn't even discuss this with you. It's so sudden, and it really does hurt. My heart goes out each and every one of us being impacted by a sudden breakup.
Healing after a sudden breakup
I believe that the best way to overcome a sudden breakup is to recognize that your partner was not the person that they essentially tried to be. The dream that you both partook in, constructed was mostly upheld by you. And unfortunately, they're not willing to pull it down and take responsibility for their actions. I'm so sorry.
The next step is to just take time for yourself, be kind to yourself, and understand there was hardly anything you could have done to change this outcome in my opinion. During this time, I strongly urge you do not date. This person is likely on your head, you're probably not sleeping very well. Your heart will be racing, your immune system will be down and you're likely really feeling the impact of grief. It's almost like a person has just died in your life. So I say this:
Be kind to yourself
Do not see too many friends
ride those emotions out so you can process them - the more you try and distract it, the harder it will be to overcome them.
And my heart goes out to each and every one of you who's been impacted by a sudden breakup. I hope this also makes sense to anyone who's never experienced this before. It is completely illogical, unconventional and truly terrifying when it happens. But understand that the growth you will experience from this will propel you well and truly beyond where you are right now, and you will find a happier place again.
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