Do you often find yourself overthinking in dating?
THIS IS NORMAL
When we're dating, and even when we're entering a relationship, we're going to overthink a LOT.
Some common overthinking thoughts include:
He hasn't texted me for quite some time now, he's clearly about to leave and ghost me…
I don't like the idea that he's seeing other guys, I don't think he likes me as much as the other guys…
I'm worried about double texting…
I'm not sure I like this guy if he doesn't like (insert something that you like)…
I want to spend more time with him but I'm worried about being too needy after dating for only 6 weeks…
I'm annoyed with what he said to me…
I'm The problem isn't with overthinking. The issue is what we do to try and calm our anxiety.
I'm annoyed that he only wants to see me on his time but I don't want to be difficult cause I know he's busy…
^ Sound familiar?
The problem we face in dating is that these thoughts often lead to BAD actions like:
Thought: He hasn't texted me for quite some time now, he's clearly about to leave and ghost me… Action: You preemptively blow up your budding relationship because you've made a big assumption about your partner's intentions because you're more worried about being ghosted than giving the guy a proper chance to reply.
Thought: I don't like the idea that he's seeing other guys, I don't think he likes me as much as the other guys… Action: You message more frequently, seek more reassurance, and want more time from your partner than you would if you felt secure.
Thought: I'm worried about double texting… Action: You don't assert yourself and text because you're worried about being ‘difficult’ for maintaining a silly standard of not texting more than once.
Thought: I'm not sure I like this guy if he doesn't like (insert something that you like)… Action: You allow yourself to pass up a guy because one part of his life doesn't perfectly match with yours, preventing yourself from being open and willing to give this new guy a try.
Thought: I want to spend more time with him but I'm worried about being too needy after dating for only 6 weeks… Action: Rather than telling him how you feel, you continue to feel conflicted, jealous, and bothered by the lack of clarity about where you stand with your partner.
Thought: I'm annoyed with what he said to me but I don't want to cause drama cause I don't want him thinking I'm ‘too much’… Action: You build resentment that you push down and you don't acknowledge the pain you're feeling and so you continue acting like everything is normal even though it's not and this could lead to trouble, like you cheating in the future.
Thought: I'm annoyed that he only wants to see me on his time but I don't want to be difficult cause I know he's busy… Action: You put up with bad behavior because you're worried about hurting your partner's feelings even though you're not responsible for his thoughts and feelings.
As you can see, none of these thoughts lead to particularly desirable outcomes.
HERE'S HOW TO SOLVE OVERTHINKING IN DATING: If you want to overcome this pattern of overthinking and have a better action then you need to address THE REAL ISSUE.
The overthinking you're experiencing is actually A SIGN from your body that something is not alright between you and your partner. To figure out what that actual message is, try using the 5 Why's to better understand WHAT is going on in your mind and THEN communicate that to your partner:
Thought: He hasn't texted me for quite some time now, he's clearly about to leave and ghost me… WHY: Because I haven't heard from him in over 24 hours
WHY: Because I remember him saying he'd get back to me yesterday
WHY: Because he said that he really enjoyed our last date together
WHY: Because I trusted him to get back to me
WHY: Because I like it when guys follow their actions and actually mean what they say. I value honesty and I'm feeling that there is a lack of consistency and transparency.
Action: Inform your partner about how their actions are making you feel and what you require from them
It's important to ALWAYS base your thoughts on evidence that you have, NOT ASSUMPTIONS
For example, if you were to do this exercise with assumptions, it wouldn't help you, it'll make things worse for you: Thought: He hasn't texted me for quite some time now, he's clearly about to leave and ghost me… WHY: Because gay men always ghost, me that's just what happens…
WHY: Because I always attract the wrong guys…
WHY: Because guys clearly don't like me…
WHY: Because they sense I'm broken…
WHY: Because I'm not like other gay guys…
^ This pattern of thinking comes from a place of victimhood and will not help you as it is based on assumptions and 0 facts grounded in reality.
Rather than owning up to your feelings, you allow your assumptions to make excuses for you. Reply to this if you feel you've suffered from overthinking in dating. P.S: Annnnd, if you're looking to kick your overthinking and self-sabotage to the curb, apply to work with me on 1:1 coaching. Hurry as I only have 2 spots left!